Today is three months. Actually twelve weeks. It depends on how you count. I remember wondering early on how long it would be before I quit marking time in days and weeks. Today I felt ready to think in terms of months. Progress of a sort.
I was moving mulch (still) and thought for a moment that it might be close to six, looking at my phone it was 6:04. Such intuitive timing! I sat down and went still for ten minutes or so. Just feeling, remembering, honoring. Somehow three months felt like it deserved that. I could feel his presence all around me, gentle and humorous and it made me smile and cry at the same time. I have been hurt and angry and sad thinking that I was not able to feel him with me. So many folks talk about those kinds of experiences. Then today I realized that his presence is always there, it's just so subtle I hadn't been paying attention. I feel better.
Marking this time, I recognize how much things have changed. Thinking of David, feeling his presence, brings me quiet pleasure now, not searing pain. I can cry quietly, not with out of control sobbing. I am comforted by the house, not running from it. A wise friend told me that when her partner was fighting cancer she marked her calendar six weeks in the future to remind herself that things would change. And then when she got there she could honor where she had been and where she was now. In one of my darkest days I marked six weeks out. I'm not there yet, I think it's three more weeks, but marking this three month anniversary offers the same opportunity. Life moves forward, I move forward, and David is with me even when he isn't here or felt. We are never alone, we really are all one...always a part of each other, connected throughout time and space. This I know is true.