Ah exhaustion....my old friend. More coffee?
Another thing that keeps me up at night: I feel as if I have disappointed so many people since David died. I keep talking about him having been a buffer between me and the world. That's not exactly the right word, but I haven't worked around to the right one yet.
People saw me through him. Well, not everyone, but a lot of folks. And I think they liked me better then. He gentled me, smoothed off my rough edges, somehow made me a little less edgy. I keep trying to explain that to folks who express dismay at having to deal with DiannewithoutDavid. It also doesn't help that grief seems to make me more, well just.... more.
There are lots of folks who knew me before David and seemed to love me just fine. And I am grateful for them, they have kept me slightly less off center. But oh I am struggling with this trying to find myself again and being okay with folks who are struggling with that.
There are a lot of things no one tells you. This is one of them. There will be people who see you through a certain lense and they will often be less than okay when that lense is no longer there. You will be struggling to figure out this new hybrid you while these folks are unhappy. It's not easy. It's weird. It's uncomfortable. It's life changing. And, oh, make sure you have folks in your life who see you through other lenses besides the "couple" one, they will be important. They will help you remember. They are the people whose presence you can rest in. And you will need rest.