There is no rhyme or reason to this process. Today was good, not lovely, but good. I spent the day planting things and digging up the last part of the garden. I planted some more veggies and will get more in the ground soon. I am always happiest working in the dirt. The son of one of our local farmers came and did the weed eating that I haven't managed to figure out how to do. I have three weed eaters and I can barely lift any of them. I keep threatening to go buy a "girl" weed eater...an electric lightweight one. I am grateful for Chris, he is funny and knowledgeable and just plain good to have around.
Some dear friends from church came by to help me think about David's shop and wood. I am not sure I'm ready to do anything about it, but information about what is there and what it is worth is good to know. And it overwhelms me, so their willingness to take it on is a huge gift. I know I cannot leave it as a shrine to David, someday it will have to become something else. Just writing that makes me sad, but it's sad going in the shop, it's sad looking out at it every day. But sad is a big part of my life right now.
Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier. Not quickly, but eventually. I'd give a lot to be able to just feel horrible for a couple of weeks and then be done with it. I really don't like not having the ability to change something. I'm one for getting a task and working hard at it, getting it done. Having to simply go with what life throws at me and walking through it, makes me a little crazy. One friend tells me I am in the process of becoming someone new and different, someone I can't even imagine right now. I want to know who that person is, right now. I remember when Jesse was born I wanted to just be able to go into the future 20 years and see who he was. Then come back and go through life. I wish I could do that now too.
So, today was a day. A good day, especially compared to yesterday.