Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Begining of the End

Yesterday was the day we left for Thailand last year and it is the beginning of the end.  David was having what he thought was indigestion and figured he'd check with the doctor when he got back.  His yearly physical was scheduled for the middle of November.  And so began the ending.  It's hard to imagine that only four months later David would be dead.  I'm so grateful that we took that trip, it is such a beautiful memory for me to hold on to.  Bittersweet, as so many things are, but a gift non-the-less. 

I find myself struggling now almost as much as right after his death, maybe more so since the shock has worn off.  I get up and try to get ready to go to church on Sundays, sometimes I even manage to get dressed, and then I can't go.  I love our church and the people in it, but that's just it.  It was "our" church and it's so hard to be there alone.  Everything is hard right now. 

I feel so alone and yet barely have the energy to get through work, never mind reach out and socialize with anyone.  It takes all my energy to do the tasks that need doing. To clean up the garden, carry in wood, eat, plan lessons, care for the animals.  I'm still lost and confused and simply muddling through one day at a time.  There ought to be a twelve step group for grief. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Bucket List

I've been thinking a lot about bucket lists.  I asked friends for their thoughts on going back to school.  I always wanted to get a PhD.  Most folks said to go for it.  A couple of folks said think hard about it.  And one friend said, "if it's not on your bucket list don't do it"  or something like that.  I haven't been able to let go of that thought. 

I simply can't remember ever really wanting much.  I always wanted to have a child and I wanted to belong somewhere, with someone.  That's it.  All I ever really wanted. 

I don't know why I've never been able to dream about a future.  I suspect it's because my father took whatever I cared about away from me.  Sometimes if he knew I cared about something it would "disappear" or be given to my sister.  I learned young and well not to want anything.  But I never got over the wanting to belong. 

With David, I belonged.  I belonged to him, he belonged to me, and we belonged to each other.  I got sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, grandchildren....It was such an amazing gift to be a part of that big loving family.  His death has changed things there, it's not as seamless as it was and there are some ragged edges that David's presence smoothed over.  I hope I still belong there, I have to believe it's true because right now it's still a small part of what I always wanted and finally got to have. 

What else could I want?  I want him back.  I don't think that's a bucket list wish that I get to have come true.  I always wanted to live on a sailboat.  I fantasize about that a lot these days.  Especially when the house and land overwhelm me, which is often.  It bothers me that I don't have anything else to put on that list.  I remember after the movie Bucket List came out we talked about it and realized that we were happy, we had everything we wanted, didn't need anything else.  It's so unfair. 

For some reason this last month has been as hard as the beginning was.  I force myself out of bed and to work, then I work myself to exhaustion or watch mindless tv so I don't think or feel too much.  When I do I can't stop crying, I walk around feeling like I've been kicked in the chest again.  It's hard to breathe.  Maybe my bucket list has this one thing on it:  I want to feel joy again, to belong, to be loved and to love.  I'm afraid to even write that down.  Who gets that twice in one lifetime?