So yesterday as I was shoveling yet another wheelbarrow load of mulch this thought flickered through my mind: "this is not my dream." After three days of moving mulch, weeding the garden and fixing the chicken coop, "this is not my dream." While I love it and actually often feel happy in the midst of it, it was not my dream. My dream was to live below the radar, to own as little as possible and to live on a little sailboat. Maybe join the peacecorp for awhile. I went to the website last night and I still have a pending application there.
David was never going to buy into that dream, so we created a new one. I know I never regretted the giving up of the old for the new. I don't think he did either. But this little farm and the shop and house that we created was our dream.
I find myself living in a very concrete example of what I have been existentially feeling. I know who I was before David, I know who I was with him, I have no idea who I am going into the future. I have been toying with the idea of going back to the old dream. One of the things that frightens and overwhelms me is all this "stuff" I now own and am responsible for. What if I just sold it all, gave it all away, and joined the Peacecorp? Used a little of the money and bought that sailboat? I simply don't know. I got used to sharing a dream, working together, creating something together. I'm not sure I could go back to living a life alone. Just me and the ocean, just me and a whole new culture. It's tempting...very tempting right now.
But I also know that time is my friend in this. I need to listen to the wisdom of those who have gone before me...wait a year, let the dust settle, see how way opens before you. The future will bring something new, something bigger, something different that comes from all the Me's I have been before, the me I am now. Waiting is the hard part. I just want to DO SOMETHING.....anything, to be through this. And, I don't want to rush through, unseeing, unfeeling. I dont' want to waste this Holy time. We live in the center of paradox and it is extraordinary work to hold the tension and still feel peace. But, oh that little sailboat!!!