Walking the dog this morning I remembered a post I wrote on Caringbridge.com at the very begining of this journey. I talked about how the landscape of the creek had changed recently and how much the landscape of our lives was changing. Everything keeps coming round full circle. Grief is not a forward movement but a series of upward spirals.
The creek is still rushing with deep muddy water from heavy rains last weekend and once again the landscape has changed. New sandbars have emerged, gravel beaches have formed and even large rocks have moved location. It takes a long time for the water to settle into it's old familiar depth and color. The landscape changes constantly in reaction to these spring rains. Just when the creek seems to settle in again we get another big rain. But yesterday I saw the jawbone of some animal, perhaps one of our local big cats, it had a large fang, too big for a domestic cat. I was tempted to bring it home but somehow it felt like it needed to stay in it's new home. At least for a while. Nearby I also found a Columbine growing up out of the new mud. What a beautiful gift! I found myself hoping it would stay and flourish, but I know it probably won't. It is right on the edge of the water and the next flooding rain will probably take it away. I thought of moving it to higher ground, but wondered if my interfering would cause equal damage. Birth, death, and rebirth. Best to let it be, most likely.
Probably too much metaphor, but I was taken with it all. My life feels very much like the life of the creek these days. I find some sense of a new normal and then a flood changes everything. I find small gifts and never know if they will stay and change the landscape or not. I wait, wait, wait for the mud to settle and the clear blue water to return and I catch my breath when I think of the next big rain. I am so tired of new landscapes, I would like to know what to expect each day. To go to the place where I know the Columbine is flourishing, to see again where I found Fire Pinks last year, to sit on my favorite rock and watch the depths of the creek swirling with that amazing blue green that fades to clear near the shore. It makes me tired to think that life will simply keep up this endless spiral. I know it's good, I know it's right, I know it's the way of the world. But it makes me tired.