I hate nights like this. I am so tired, I go to bed and then lay there for an hour tossing and turning and thinking and remembering. I just want to knock myself out.
I am turning this idea of me before, me during and now what? over and over and over. I go over every detail of who I used to be and the miracle that David and I ever found each other. And then I start on the time we had together and how that was so very very different from the time before David. And then I try to fashion new futures out of that kaleidoscope of experience. It doesn't matter that I cannot possibly hit on the "right" one....My mind careens around and around trying out new designs.
Night has never been my favorite time, it's always been hard for me. My brain simply doesn't turn off and even when I manage to fall asleep, I sleep as if I am awake and watching. I love those drugs that make you fall asleep and then you wake up , boom, eight hours later. Rest. Really, is this how everyone else does it? But those things can't possibly be good for you.
So, David was no one I should've ever fallen in love with. He was in the air force, I kept my income low enough so that I didn't pay taxes because I didn't like the way the government spent my money. I especially didn't like how they spent most of it on the war machine. He worked for a big corporation, corporations being things I tried to stay far away from. He wore a Rolex, lived in a million dollar home, and drove a big fancy truck, a gas hog. Other things I tried to stay away from. And he was almost twenty years older than I was. None of these things mattered. I knew him first as an amazingly kind, thoughtful, caring person. It was only after it was too late that I found out all the reasons why I should never have even considered having him in my life.
And I, I was not someone he would have ever considered in his life either. For most of the above reasons. Somehow we managed to see beyond our externals to the light that was within us.
I was laying in bed, not sleeping, and thinking about all of this. Thinking about those last days in the house and the peace we had together, before he became so confused and lost. How much we loved what we had created here. Not just the space, but the life and love. We just wanted a little more time.
And now what do I do? What do I believe? Who am I? Where do I go next? I don't know much. But I believe in the light that lives in us all. I believe in kindness and love. I believe we have to do all we can to live in that love and light. And we have to fight the darkness, shining our light into it any way we can. I don't know how you build a life with that, or even how you change the world with that, but it's all I've got right now.
A woman I knew a long time ago wrote these words in a song: "you are light, you are love, you are blessings from above and I am blessed to know you...." I guess that's really all we've ever got.