Thursday, May 23, 2013

I felt happy today.  It surprised me, stopped me in my tracks.  Whoa, what is that feeling?  And then almost immediately, "when will I crash again?"  Okay, take a deep breath.

The week has been a bittersweet one but slowly improving.  Yesterday I talked about that whole being in the present thing and remembering the past without falling on the floor sobbing.  Okay, good insight right?  Then I went to yoga class....

The teacher started with a talk about Ganesha, the elephant god, the remover of obstacles and the one who makes way for new paths.  Yay...great, here we go again.  But I went with it, even though I get a lot of not so subtle messages around this theme.  I worked my butt off and thought about obstacles being removed and finding some new path forward.  At the end of class I was in tears, quiet tears, but tears just the same.  During the final meditation I had this image of me exhausted, dirty, angry, sad...having worked my way up a cold, wet, muddy, rock strewn mountain...coming through the clouds into sun and able to see off into the distance.  It felt hopeful, peaceful, not finished but a turning point. This took me by surprise, heavy handed as it was, and since then I have been feeling something new.

Last night at dinner with my son, I felt it but did not yet recognize it.  This morning walking Lulu I felt it and recognized it.  Me.  I was me again.  Just me.  An I, not a We anymore.  I had crossed some invisible line from being a part of a We, and then a half of a We, to being me. I remember when I became a mother and suddenly was not just Me anymore.  I remember when I was getting to know David and being very aware of the process of becoming a We.  But then it became the water I swam in and I forgot anything else.  So much of the pain has been feeling as if I had been thrown out into oxygen again and had forgotten how to breath. Suddenly I took a deep breath.  And remembered. 

And you know what?  It's not so bad.  Just different.  I might make it after all.

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