I felt happy today. It surprised me, stopped me in my tracks. Whoa, what is that feeling? And then almost immediately, "when will I crash again?" Okay, take a deep breath.
The week has been a bittersweet one but slowly improving. Yesterday I talked about that whole being in the present thing and remembering the past without falling on the floor sobbing. Okay, good insight right? Then I went to yoga class....
The teacher started with a talk about Ganesha, the elephant god, the remover of obstacles and the one who makes way for new paths. Yay...great, here we go again. But I went with it, even though I get a lot of not so subtle messages around this theme. I worked my butt off and thought about obstacles being removed and finding some new path forward. At the end of class I was in tears, quiet tears, but tears just the same. During the final meditation I had this image of me exhausted, dirty, angry, sad...having worked my way up a cold, wet, muddy, rock strewn mountain...coming through the clouds into sun and able to see off into the distance. It felt hopeful, peaceful, not finished but a turning point. This took me by surprise, heavy handed as it was, and since then I have been feeling something new.
Last night at dinner with my son, I felt it but did not yet recognize it. This morning walking Lulu I felt it and recognized it. Me. I was me again. Just me. An I, not a We anymore. I had crossed some invisible line from being a part of a We, and then a half of a We, to being me. I remember when I became a mother and suddenly was not just Me anymore. I remember when I was getting to know David and being very aware of the process of becoming a We. But then it became the water I swam in and I forgot anything else. So much of the pain has been feeling as if I had been thrown out into oxygen again and had forgotten how to breath. Suddenly I took a deep breath. And remembered.
And you know what? It's not so bad. Just different. I might make it after all.