Been a while. I've been unloading a never ending trailer of mulch. And missing David, we usually did it together and it was not only easier, it was more fun. I'm exhausted and still have more to go, on top of the normal range of never ending chores. I did not appreciate nearly enough all that David did. But once more today I realized I felt happy and alive again. I've cried my fair share too...but mostly out of frustration rather than sadness.
David was a buffer between my intense reactions and the world. He smoothed the way with people, something I have never been good at. And oh, I could use that now. So many folks I interact with right now only knew me through the David lens. We are struggling to navigate new terrain. It is not easy and sometimes I'm not sure I care. It's a whole new way of finding myself in the world again. I knew who I was as me alone, I knew who I was with David, now I am in the world that was so often filtered through him and I dont' know how to be in it and I'm pretty sure it doesn't know how to be with me either. I look up and curse the heavens sometimes. Not only is he not here to filter/buffer, he's not here to talk to about it later. I want someone to process everything with. I am lost and tired.
It's a weird thing, suddenly you wake up one day and the world looks the same but it's not the same. And the people around you either continue to act as if it was the same or they start acting in these odd ways. It's shifting sand and hard to keep my balance. But once again there is no way out but through. Over and over again, my mantra.