Sunday, April 21, 2013

Weary.  A wonderful old fashioned word that makes perfect sense to me right now.  I am weary.  I didn't sleep much, I cried until I could barely breathe.  I don't know why the night brought that, I just know I can barely move today.  I feel as if I can't go on and yet I have no choice but to go on. Oh, I know, I always have choices and I guess honestly, this is my choice:  to go on.  But right now, I have no idea how to do that and no idea how it is possible.
 That's how I feel. 
What I know is that it will get better and the way forward is simply one step at a time.  Feed the animals, pull the weeds, eat whether you want to or not. 
In case anyone is ever reading this and wondering how they will get through and why they are not doing better six weeks out, I want them to know how hard it is. That it doesn't just get better bit by bit.  It gets better and then it gets worse and then it gets better again.  And sometimes it really does feel as if you cannot do one more thing and why bother anyway.  But you keep doing one more thing, simply because you are alive.  And you trust that life still is a beautiful gift and will continue to be a beautiful gift.  Whether you can see it right now or not. 
 Such a small word for such a huge thing.  Trust, Faith, Hope, Love.  Huge things, the only things, hard and beautiful things.  We can't really live without them and yet they are so hard to live with.  I am grateful for them, would not choose to live without them, and right now....struggling with them.  Fighting with angels....who was it who fought the angel and came out so very changed?  I feel like him.  Fighting with angels.


  1. In Genesis Jacob fights in the night with an angel (maybe God?) and is renamed Israel for surviving the struggle. He walks with a limp ever after, having been touched on his hip by the angel/God during the conflict.
    I guess we are all marked by our griefs and inner conflicts in some such way.

    BTW, many of us are checking in here daily (at least) to see how you are, and to witness to your struggles and triumphs.

    Wish there was a way to wave to you or hug and hold you with wordless compassion. Hmmm....


  2. Jacob! that's who it was :) I couldn't remember and was in no frame of mind to go look it up.