Saturday, April 20, 2013

I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights and just felt off during the day.  I've been short tempered and grumpy.  Then today it hit me hard.  Again.  Grief, crying, feeling so lost and hopeless and overwhelmed.  Walking the dog I found myself thinking, "Okay, It's really time for you to come home now."  What is so weird is that I really couldn't shake the feeling that this has all been a temporary state.  That it actually was possible for him to come back.  Just come back, please please please.  I think I would do almost anything to make that possible. 
And so here I go again.  How can I do this?  How can I make it through the rest of my life without him here?  It seems that just when I start to feel a bit of normal, I get hit with one of these waves.  There is nothing I can do but submit to it.  I hate it, it hurts, physically and emotionally.  I want it to be over, I want it to be a horrible dream, I want to go back to six months ago,  I want something I can't have. 
This is easily the hardest thing I have ever done.
And that's it.  I don't really have anything else right now.  I'm just riding the wave as best I can.

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