A friend told me today that I am living in liminal space. That space between what you know and what you don't know. The space where all the magic happens. The space that is Holy. And she's right, I am in that place where I am no longer who I was but I have no idea who I will be. I'm not really appreciating it much, but I'm trying. My big fear is that I will go back to the way I was before I knew David. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be that person or live that life. I was a better person with David and my friend assures me that I will continue to be that person. I'm gonna havew to trust her on this one. And I do, because she has been where I am and come through.
The other day I found myself crying, curled up in a ball, and saying over and over "I can't do this, I just can't do this anymore." This same friend also told me that I would learn patience from this experience. After a bit I remembered a time when I was curled up in that same ball, on a different bed, crying those same words. I was a single parent of a little baby, I had not slept in days, I had no job, no money, no support. And I did the same thing then that I do now. I got up and took one more step. And I learned patience. And I grew into a better person. And it got easier, eventually.
I am so tired of feeling sad, and scared, and overwhelmed. So very very tired of it. But I will keep moving forward, believing in liminal space, and grace, and patience. Knowing that I do not do this alone. I am surrounded by love and that has to count for something. A lot, I suspect, more than I can even imagine right now.
I'm having to take all of this on a leap of faith. I'm just angry and sad and tired right now, and sick of it all.