Friday, April 12, 2013

A friend told me today that I am living in liminal space.  That space between what you know and what you don't know.  The space where all the magic happens.  The space that is Holy.  And she's right, I am in that place where I am no longer who I was but I have no idea who I will be.  I'm not really appreciating it much, but I'm trying.  My big fear is that I will go back to the way I was before I knew David.  I don't want to go back there.  I don't want to be that person or live that life.  I was a better person with David and my friend assures me that I will continue to be that person.  I'm gonna havew to trust her on this one. And I do, because she has been where I am and come through.

The other day I found myself crying, curled up in a ball, and saying over and over "I can't do this, I just can't do this anymore."  This same friend also told me that I would learn patience from this experience.  After a bit I remembered a time when I was curled up in that same ball, on a different bed, crying those same words.  I was a single parent of a little baby, I had not slept in days, I had no job, no money, no support.  And I did the same thing then that I do now.  I got up and took one more step.  And I learned patience.  And I grew into a better person.  And it got easier, eventually.

I am so tired of feeling sad, and scared, and overwhelmed.  So very very tired of it.  But I will keep moving forward, believing in liminal space, and grace, and patience. Knowing that I do not do this alone.  I am surrounded by love and that has to count for something.  A lot, I suspect, more than I can even imagine right now. 

I'm having to take all of this on a leap of faith.  I'm just angry and sad and tired right now, and sick of it all. 

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