I made it through another day. Feeling kind of normal. It makes me kind of tense, waiting to be hit in the gut again. I know it will happen and it will probably catch me off guard, so stressing about it probably isn't useful. yeah, tell that to my gut.
I got myself to church only because one of the women emailed me and told me she was looking forward to seeing me. But I made it through the entire service without having to go sit in the bathroom and sob, I only cried quietly in the sanctuary. I got through sharing the peace and even stayed to visit after the service. Huge progress. Funny how tiny little baby steps can feel like such a major accomplishment. Life is now measured in those small moments. Actually, I guess it has been for quite a while now.
I spent the afternoon digging up more garden beds and more weeds. And I finally got into the beehives. They are doing really well, unfortunately I don't have the time to split the hive so I did the best I could to hold them off from swarming until I get back from the beach. The chickens followed me all around the garden this afternoon. I was the source of freshly turned earth and bugs and worms. It's so funny to listen to them sort of chuckling to themselves as they follow me, and to look behind and see this little parade of waddling chickens.
I am heading to the beach for a few days. A promise I made to myself as David was dying and I was facing the memorial services. "When this is over I am heading for mama ocean." So, here goes. Me and Lulu, at least she will get me out of the house and walking a couple of times a day. Just in case. I dont' expect to be hit with hard emotions, but I never seem to know what will hurt. David didn't much like the beach, he would go with me but spent most of the time inside watching tv or playing cards. So I hope that this little trip will be healing and restful and bring me back to another piece of myself. I seem to be thinking of life as before and after the beach. After the beach I will go back to work, I will meet with the lawyer, I will.....Carrie has a song (of course). "We live our lives from then until now, By the mercy received and the marks on our brow, To my heart I’ll collect what the four winds will scatter, And frame my life into before and after..."
So here's to another day and baby steps.