It's amazing how I can live whole weeks in one day lately. I wake up in one place and end the day miles down the road.
Today I was walkng Lulu on a longish walk around the farm. Looking out over spring rising up the mountainsides and listening to the birds, watching the rabbits and calves, I was struck by how alive everything is right now. And of course, started to think about how alive David was. He was the strongest healthiest guy on the farm. He even put the young helpers to shame, throwing as many bales of hay at 71 as they did at 25. He loved Spring and we always took a walk around our property, checking out what was coming up and marking plants to come back to later. He was so alive. And now he's not. It doesn't seem real or possible that so much life can so suddenly be gone.
I didn't think I would make it through seeing my student today. Wasn't sure I could do it, but shear force of will got me there and his joyful presence got me through. Thank goodness for children.
I went to see a financial advisor after that and found out that although we thought we had planned well, we didn't plan well enough. Both of us counted on me being able to draw on David's social security. I can't. We were not married long enough. So. Life turned on a dime again today. I have to find work that can meet all of the daily expenses, the sooner the better. The house is payed for and that is a great blessing. But I have to take deep breaths to stay calm. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to find a way to cope with one more thing right now. But (deep breath), perhaps it is a blessing. Work will be good for me and perhaps I will find some new gift or calling or deepen the one I have always known.
It is just so hard to find myself moving so quickly from a comfortable looking forward in a known direction to suddenly not knowing where the horizon is. One step forward and look around, take another step. breathe. That's all I can do. And trust in the light.