I just saw a quote from a Barenaked Ladies song:

"You gotta kick at the darkness until it bleeds light."

I like it.  It meets my sadness and anger right where they are.  I just wish I knew how to kick at the darkness.  All I seem to be able to do the last few days is succumb to it.  Maybe the kicking is in the act of getting up again after it knocks you down. 

I have been continually undone by spring.  Everything I look at makes me remember David and what we shared and dreamed.  The yard and ponds and gardens that we built rock by rock and pile of dirt by pile of dirt.  All the things he never got to see come to fruition, the wild azaleas, the apple trees and serviceberry blooming, the peaches and cherries.  All his beautiful lillies that he taught me to love.  And who do I tell about the bluebirds nesting and the peas, the trillium, Solomon's seal and mayapples coming up?  This sharing is what made spring bearable for me.  Now I sit every morning and just cry.  Everywhere I look is something to be shared and no one to share it with.

And the work!  There is so much to be done that I cannot keep up.  And much of it I simply don't have the skills to do.  I get so angry, and then so sad, and then overwhelmed.  I think, "well forget it, I'll just let it all go."  And then I get up one more time and do something, anything, to make a dent.  And sometimes it helps and sometimes I sit right back down and cry some more. 

It's been a ridiculously hard couple of days.  I just keep finding myself in the same place over and over again.  I like to be able to figure out what needs to be done and do it, move forward, work my way through something.  But this, this seems to be like a knotted up necklace; and I have NEVER been good at fixing those.  I know I will somehow find my way through all of this.  I know it because I know people who have done it.  I know this because I am surrounded by people who will not let me go under, even if I want to.  I know this because I simply could not bear the world if I did not believe that the darkness does indeed eventually bleed light.