Monday, April 8, 2013

Lulu and I had an easy drive to the beach today.  I went from almost winter/barely spring to full on almost summer.  The redbuds, dogwoods, and azaleas are blooming once you get down off the mountain.  And somehow the air smells so much better at the beach and I feel like I can breathe again.  I always feel slightly claustrophobic in the mountains.  I think it comes from growing up on the beach, if I can't see for miles I get a little bit antsy. 

I was coming to this beach before I met David and it feels fitting to be coming here now.  It is and always has been, mine.  But oh, how I miss having him to come home to.  I am finding that I don't much care for being alone.  Maybe I never did, I barely remember.  I just know I was used to it and making the best of it until I met him.  I loved having someone to hold on to, to tell all the little things to, to snuggle up to in bed, someone to bounce my crazy ideas off of, someone to tell me they thought I was the best thing in the whole world.  And I loved looking at him and just plain old loving him, enjoying his presence in my life, his touch, his smell, his humor, his love.  Damn. 

So, onward, again.  I find myself gathering myself together many times a day, to take another step forward.  I don't want to, I want to go back, back to the way it was...before November.  I'm not who I used to be and I have no idea who I will be.  I hate this, I want some structure, to know something...anything....just one thing.

What do I know?  That I was loved, completely.  And that I loved, completely. No small thing I guess.  That I can teach and change people's lives with that gift.  That I have a lovely home and have raised a pretty great son.  That there are people in my life who love me.  Again, no small thing.  Some people never have these things.  Okay, so I am a lucky woman.  But sometimes it's hard to remember.  I miss him.

Tomorrow I will sit in the sun and listen to the waves and read a stupid novel.  He would have hated it and sent me off with his blessing. 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Typos to be removed... :)

      Breathe deep!
      xo, K

  2. Wild Geese
    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.

    Mary Oliver, from Dream Work, 1986.