I wrote a long post this morning about how the rain is driving me nuts. And how sick I am of feeling sad. And generally being miserable. Then it disappeared into cyberspace. Probably for the best, but I felt a bit like I lost something valuable. I was kind of liking my misery today.
And in the course of the day my attitude has improved immensly, although it is now raining even harder. sigh. I am ignoring what it is doing to the driveway.
The grief therapist and I have been talking a lot about what motivates me in the world. I haven't been able to let go of it this week. I think I'm working my way to something important. These days it feels as if what motivates me is simply "getting through." And right now that might be good enough.
Before David, I fought. And I was really really good at it. I fought to survive my father, I fought to be accepted, to belong, I fought for my life and for my son's, I fought for my right to exist in the world, I fought for my students. It drove almost everything I did. Then I met David.
I fought with him at first too. I didn't know any other way to be. But David was a conflict avoider, a peacemaker. An interesting match. It took us awhile to work it out. For him to realize that disagreement was not dangerous and for me to realize that intimacy wasn't. And in that process I lost a lot of my fight. That loss was not comfortable for me, I struggled with it the entire course of our relationship. It is only now that I can name the loss and look at it more clearly. That discomfort was me trying to figure out how to live in the world without fighting.
I'm still trying to figure it out. One of the things I'm realizing is that at the core of the fight was a desire to be seen and heard. I only wanted someone to really truly see me. I didn't need anyone to agree with me or change for me, I just needed them to see and hear who I was. And David did. Not always easy, as I hid it very well, underneath all that fighting.
So now I wonder how it would look if I went into the world wanting to be seen and heard? What if I went into the world valuing that, not just for me but for others as well. What if that's what we all really want? Sometimes I think what I do with my students is simply see them. Sometimes I am the first person who ever has. I see them, hear them and value them, even if I don't agree with them. Even if I still make them do the work. I think it matters.
Does this change anything? Does it help me figure out what to do with my life? I don't know. I think it helps me fill the hole that fighting filled. Having been seen so lovingly I can let go of the need to fight. I can stand up for who I am, for who others are...with clarity and kindness and love. Maybe that is a powerful gift in the world.
This I know to be true. Fighting is exhausting. Speaking the truth is important. Kindness matters. Love wins. Love always wins.