The learning curve is steep, very steep. There are just so many things I do not know how to do, do not have answers for, just do not know. This week brought me to my knees with unknowns. I felt like I was back at the beginning, I had no idea how I was going to keep on like this, and I was sick and tired of being...what? I don't know, but not someone I want to be.
I am better today, was better yesterday. I'm not sure why except Thursday found me on my knees in the driveway, sobbing in the rain. Crying, "okay I give. I have no idea what to do. I can't keep on like this. I can't do it anymore. I need help." I'm not even sure who I was talking to. God, higher power, the light, whatever; and I, are not on good terms these days. I'm not feeling real fond of him/her/it. But you know what? I can't do it by myself. And when I gave in and gave up, I felt better. The universe began to conspire to help me out.
The sun came out. I came home to find bags of lillies on my porch, a gift from my son. I spent an entire morning planting them and it made me happy. Then I cleaned house, hauled and stacked wood, weeded the garden, fixed the electric chicken fence, cleaned the coop, harvested onions, sprayed the tomatoes trying to stay ahead of the fungus, and ... well, more. I am tired and happy today. I feel as if I might be okay.
One of the hardest things about all of this is asking for and accepting help. I always prided myself on not needing others. Then David lulled me into trusting someone else. And, in his illness and death I have needed so much help. I have been given, and taken, more than I ever have in my entire life. Sometimes it makes me a little crazy. Being dependent is not something I do well, being in community is not something I learned early on. I am just getting glimpses of it now. And I have no way to pay anyone back. There is simply nothing I can do to repay or earn the gifts that I have been given and continue to be given.
That does not sit easily with me and it is another steep learning curve. To let someone take care, give, help. To ask and just be grateful and thankful. I am learning. And trusting that the time will come when I can return the many favors. And more importantly, that I will see when it is time and respond. When I fight and fight and fight the love offered, believing that I don't need it or anyone, I get crazy.
Somehow I thought I would just move on when David died, I would be sad but I would move on. I had no idea I would be plunged into a PhD in the school of life. The truth is, I can't do this by myself. This is one of the biggest lessons I have ever had to learn and I am not doing it gracefully. But I have rarely learned anything new gracefully. I can't do this by myself...and I don't have to.