Tuesday, July 30, 2013


I went to my first grief group tonight.  It was kind of wonderful.  I'm pretty leery of groups but this one felt...real, welcoming, honest, safe.  There was a lot of humor and a lot of pain and a lot of tears.  A kind of perfect combination.  I was welcomed easily and with compassion.  I found myself wondering if suffering the loss of someone you love so deeply can really open you up and make you different.  I mean I know it does, but I think maybe it can make you vastly different.  Different from most other folks out there; more open, more honest, more compassionate, less willing to tolerate the small stuff.  Maybe I just want to think I'm gonna be special.  That all of this will have some Greater Meaning.  That I will belong to some special club.  Or maybe, if you let it, grief really can open you up to a deeper way of being in the world.  Probably it's some of both, like most things are.  Anyway, tonight the group opened up a bit more space for me to breathe and I am grateful.

I've noticed this week that I have had a sense of myself again.  I don't know how to explain that feeling.  It's sad because I am not a part of an "us."  But it's also kind of nice to feel a sense of my whole self, not something broken.  Like everything else, it is a bit of both happy and sad, easy and hard.  If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that there are no black and whites in this process.  Everything is shades of gray.  I'm grateful for the shades of gray, those black and whites are a tough roller coaster to ride. 

Grateful today...for other's on this journey, for possibility, for space to breathe. 

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