And today the floor falls out from under me again. I can't keep up emotionally or physically, I dont' know why I insist on trying. I guess because deep down I still believe control is a good thing. Both of my students cancelled, a gift as I was overwhelmed from being away and it is a chance to catch up. Except it isn't. I walk in circles, crying. No idea why. It's just that everything makes me sad.
I got a beautiful note from someone I barely know. We meet and talk at Market. She simply said that I am "strong and wise, and honest and loving, and brave." And, "It's just such a shame that being remade has to hurt so much."
Yes, yes it is. It's more than a shame, it's a kind of hell sometimes. One of the counselors from Hospice said she prefers to think of these ups and downs as a wave on the beach rather than a roller coaster. It helps her feel as if she has a bit more control. You can walk away from a wave, it's hard to get off a roller coaster. That image has helped me a great deal. It's a slightly less hopeless feeling.
I feel like such a mess sometimes, it's good to know others see me in such a positive light. Perhaps after all, something good will come of this. God knows what, but I have to believe something will.
Right now, today: I simply miss him, miss him, miss him.