Sunday, July 28, 2013

Leap And The Net Will Appear

I think there is a kind of rhythm to the days.  I find Sunday to be the hardest day and it bleeds over into Monday.  After that things get better.  Then on Saturdays I feel shaky and by Sunday I'm a mess.

 I've never liked Sundays.  They seemed to be the day everyone else has family, everyone else has some kind of routine, some kind of special something.  I remember when I was single I would simply hate Sunday and grit my teeth through it.  After church everyone went off to their family dinners and reading the paper and naps.  I guess they still do.  With David I became one of those people and now I'm not.  Again. 

I worked in the garden this morning and finished cleaning the house.  I need to find a new routine.  As I say that I am struck by how often I say those words.  I need to find a new.....something. 

I am tired of whining about feeling sad, lonely, confused.  And truthfully, sometimes I feel happy, even peaceful.  Sometimes I even feel excited about new options.  And I guess that is progress. 

I bought new rugs, the kind I like.  I think about getting a new couch, the ones I have that came from his ex-wife are uncomfortable.  I applied to foster dogs.  I added a new beehive and two new chickens.  I think about starting a school, in the shop.  Maybe I'll get another tattoo.  If I don't feel like eating dinner I don't, sometimes I just make popcorn. 

Life is change, I know this.  I just thought maybe, finally, it would be more subtle.  A friend told me a week or so ago that I had packed a lot of living into my fifty-six years.  I'm pretty sure it was not a compliment. I had begun to appreciate the routine, the subtle changes.  And Boom...another huge change that is only creating a lot more big changes.  Is the universe trying to teach me something?  Change.  Control.  I have no control, not really.  No matter how I plan, prepare, consider options, harness expectations, sink into comfort; I will not be ready when the change comes.  The only hope is trusting that when I leap the net does indeed appear.

No comments:

Post a Comment