Life went downhill after Wednesday. I don't have much to say. I'm sad again. Really sad. And I don't really know why. I hate that. I like knowing what, where, how, when and then acting on something. The last time I remember feeling this helpless was in the middle of giving birth to my son. I wasn't real fond of that either. But there is no way out but through, so there ya go.
People come along at odd moments and kind of save me. Today I couldn't decide what to do, couldn't decide about going to church, couldn't decide about what to eat...who cares about eating anyway? really? All I could do was cry. Then Lulu looked so desperate that I took her for a walk around the farm. We picked up a lot of ticks in the process, but while we were walking a friend called and wanted to bring her son and another friend by. Yes, please. In showing them the house and shop and farm I got my feet back under me and was able to go on with a reasonable picture of a day.
I am hoping this guy can finish the last project David started. We designed it and then picked out and planed the wood for a wall unit for the TV and books, but it never got made. I like his energy, I think it would be good to have him do this work.
I have a friend who rescues dogs, a lot of dogs, and she got one in this week that needs at least a thousand dollars worth of medical work. She didn't hesitate to take the dog. She put the story out there on facebook and in less than 24 hours she had the money. But I know she would've spent her own money to care for this little pup.
It's such hard work and I am getting tired. Sometimes I just want to have a do-over. I remember feeling that way in labor too. I changed my mind about the whole natural thing, but by the time it felt too hard to go on it was almost over. The nurse told me I could do it and I did. Someone saved me and didn't even know it. And then I had this child and he saved me too, and didn't even know it.
We save each other all the time. Sometimes we don't even know we are doing it. Sometimes, we are just a kid wanting to see the farm and suddenly someone can breathe again because we showed up. Sometimes we say yes to whatever or whoever shows up and life gets a little better. I get so lost sometimes that I can't bring myself to say yes to anyone or anything. I appreciate the folks who only let me go so far with it. And I appreciate the times I take the chance and let someone save me a little.