A Kind of Hell

And today the floor falls out from under me again.  I can't keep up emotionally or physically, I dont' know why I insist on trying.  I guess because deep down I still believe control is a good thing.  Both of my students cancelled, a gift as I was overwhelmed from being away and it is a chance to catch up.  Except it isn't.  I walk in circles, crying.  No idea why.  It's just that everything makes me sad. 

I got a beautiful note from someone I barely know.  We meet and talk at Market.  She simply said that I am "strong and wise, and honest and loving, and brave."  And, "It's just such a shame that being remade has to hurt so much." 

Yes, yes it is.  It's more than a shame, it's a kind of hell sometimes.  One of the counselors from Hospice said she prefers to think of these ups and downs as a wave on the beach rather than a roller coaster.  It helps her feel as if she has a bit more control.  You can walk away from a wave, it's hard to get off a roller coaster.  That image has helped me a great deal.  It's a slightly less hopeless feeling. 

I feel like such a mess sometimes, it's good to know others see me in such a positive light.  Perhaps after all, something good will come of this.  God knows what, but I have to believe something will. 

Right now, today:  I simply miss him, miss him, miss him.