Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I walked into the bank today and paid off the mortgage.  It made my stomach hurt.  A lot.  In fact, it scares the hell out of me.  Six years ago I owned one pot, a couple of plates and forks, no computer, no TV, a lot of books and an oldish car.  Now suddenly I own land and a house and a woodshop and two cars and way way too many dishes and pots and pans.  How do people do this?  How do they live with this much responsibility?  I'm so afraid of doing something wrong and messing up. 

I've been getting together with new people too.  I've never been great at making friends, I'm an introvert and it takes a lot of energy to be out there in the world.  I had gotten very comfortable with David and the farm family.  It was more than enough to fill my life.  But I find myself wanting someone to share things with, go places with, explore new ideas with.  So I have been putting some energy into getting to know folks.  It doesn't happen easily, I work with young children and don't have a lot of that easy interaction with adults that happens on many jobs.  People my age are paired up and living the same kind of involved lives that I was living with David.  I tend to work on the farm, hike, swim or practice yoga; none of those things encourage interaction. 

I'd forgotten what it's like getting to know someone.  So much conversation to fill someone in on who you are, where you've been, who they are, where they've been.  Finding ways that your lives might intersect, learning easy spaces and hard ones.  When I'm feeling tender and scared and uncertain, as I so often am these days, it can be overwhelming.  When I'm feeling strong and positive it can be wonderful and exciting to open my life to the new...well, everything....that seems to always be right around the corner. 

Six years ago, I could never have imagined who I would be today. If anyone had told me where I would be I would've said they were crazy.  Never in a million years.  So...I wish I could peak ahead to the next six years, just for a second.  But because I can't, I'm gonna go with:  It will be great.   Way opens, life changes.  All will be well and all manner of things will be well.   In the meantime, I will try to see the gifts in these new experiences and breathe deeply.

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