Hard hard day today. No particular reason. Just woke up sad and overwhelmed, then little things kept going wrong. Eventually I worked my way to the part of the day where I was conducting a training for Madison County Literacy volunteers. This is a project dear to my heart and it brought me a great deal of joy. I started working on this project last fall before David got sick. I had to drop my involvement once we got his diagnosis. The woman who is the force behind this emailed me last week and said she needed me, the training she had organized had fallen through, and was I ready yet? I was. If she had asked two weeks ago I might have said no. Timing is everything.
I drove home today feeling a mixture of contentment, excitement and sadness. I love this sort of work with a passion and I was remembering the start of this project and sharing my excitement with David. One of the hardest things to get used to is not having someone to share my excitement, my concerns, my decision making with. It's a very lonely place to be and yet there is no cure, it can only be lived with. Friends can help, family can help, but it's not the same.
I haven't written in a week....I've been busy and disinclined to focus on the process. I think that might be progress. But I also realize paying attention to the process is important, because when I don't I eventually crash.....harder than I would if I had made the process a part of my daily intention. It's a razor's edge of sorts. Not of sorts, it is a razor's edge. This whole grief process is a razor's edge that I walk with reluctance and of necessity.