Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Hiding again from the outdoors.  It's beautiful and so very very overwhelming right now.  So many things to do and fix and work on.  I just want to run very far away.  Leave everything behind and become someone new, someplace new.  Start over.  It's been a move to Australia kind of week. 

My birthday is next week and then three days later our anniversary.  We never made a big deal out of that sort of thing, but it scares me anyway.  One of the first big hurdles.  Then there is family reunion, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I am going to run away for Christmas, I just don't think I can face it this year.  And then the season of his dying.  It all makes me so tired.  If I could take out the tape of my life and insert a new one I think I would.  Maybe not.  But right now it sounds like a grand idea, as good a one as running away. 

It feels as if my life has been one great cycle of grief.  I thought I knew loss before, I thought I understood grieving, how much it hurt to lose what you loved, or to never have what you wished for or deserved.  But this, this one brings me to my knees. 

There is a song I called, "It's Gonna Get Easier."  And the line that fits this day perfectly is this one:  "On my knees, just can't breathe, it's gonna get easier."  The pain and the sure knowledge that it will get easier, all in one sentence.  Living in the center of paradox is the hardest thing we are asked to do.  And I believe that if we live our lives well, that is the only place we can live.  I just don't like it very much today.


  1. I've typed and backspaced it away again...feeling I've no right, or relationship, to offer you comfort. I wish there were words out there somewhere that could "do something" about your grief. At the risk of clumsiness, or saying something dumb or cliche'...I thought I'd share a title of a book I'm reading called "One Thousand Gifts." It's brought my mind to both a deeper and brighter spot. It contains much angst as well as poignant light. The writing is exqusite, to the point I've reread paragraphs for the sheer beauty of the words. A book title. It's all I've got. I wish there were more. <3

  2. Meditation for Mark 6.7-13 by Michael Hudson

    A road at our doorstep, a light in the sky,
    a point in the distance that catches the eye,
    a sense of the possible, fresh in the air -
    we know God has given us something to share.

    We set out with little, no money or bread,
    few cumbersome comforts or burdens, instead,
    we wish to walk lightly, to go with Godspeed,
    to follow the prompting wherever it leads.

    The road takes us places we never have been
    and moves us towards others, a circle of friends
    who need what we offer – and also who yearn
    to offer us something we need in return.

    And this is the journey, God’s gifts spread among
    all manner of people, community sprung
    in kindness, compassion, in simple good deeds -
    the mutual meeting of gifts and of needs.

    From Songs for the Cycle, c. 2004.