Hiding again from the outdoors. It's beautiful and so very very overwhelming right now. So many things to do and fix and work on. I just want to run very far away. Leave everything behind and become someone new, someplace new. Start over. It's been a move to Australia kind of week.
My birthday is next week and then three days later our anniversary. We never made a big deal out of that sort of thing, but it scares me anyway. One of the first big hurdles. Then there is family reunion, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to run away for Christmas, I just don't think I can face it this year. And then the season of his dying. It all makes me so tired. If I could take out the tape of my life and insert a new one I think I would. Maybe not. But right now it sounds like a grand idea, as good a one as running away.
It feels as if my life has been one great cycle of grief. I thought I knew loss before, I thought I understood grieving, how much it hurt to lose what you loved, or to never have what you wished for or deserved. But this, this one brings me to my knees.
There is a song I called, "It's Gonna Get Easier." And the line that fits this day perfectly is this one: "On my knees, just can't breathe, it's gonna get easier." The pain and the sure knowledge that it will get easier, all in one sentence. Living in the center of paradox is the hardest thing we are asked to do. And I believe that if we live our lives well, that is the only place we can live. I just don't like it very much today.