Friday, June 14, 2013

I've been trying to write for a couple of days and keep erasing things.  I don't usually do that, but thoughts haven't been coalescing for some reason.  This morning I realized they are just a bunch of thoughts and awareness's and maybe if I put them all down they will mean something.

I took my ring off last week.  I kept getting this rash under it and it drove me crazy.  Every time it went away and I put the ring back on, the rash came back.  Okay then, I'll leave it off.  And now it feels normal not to be wearing it.

In the midst of great pain, I saw the great blue heron again this week.  Hello dear one.

The pond exploded again.  This time David wasn't here to help but I handled it.  Figured some pieces out.  Things he didn't figure out.  He knew a lot, a hell of a lot, but he didn't know everything. 

I went out with a friend last night for coffee and a play.  It was good to be in downtown Asheville, watching the tourists and the Ashevegas scene again.  I hadn't done that in years. 

A friend posted a poem about letting go today.  How it just happens, no fanfare, no talking, no setting a date.  You just do it. Like a leaf falling from a branch.  Leaves don't drop they just let go.

Every once in a while someone posts a photo of David on facebook and when it pops up in my newsfeed it's like a kick in the chest.  Sometimes I see things in those photos that I'm pretty sure they don't.  The pain he was in at the time, his joy in something, his fear.  And sometimes it's just okay to see.  I smile and move on. 

He was a big presence.  He was the glue that kept a lot of folks together.  I wonder what will happen now. 

 Folks are not checking in as much.  But life keeps pressing forward toward life.  More folks die, babies are born, houses are bought and moves are planned, kids graduate.  My piece of this is different from theirs.  I always knew that, knew that I would live into this in a different way from those others who knew and loved him.  That for a while at least, I would not have the grace of going back to normal after the memorial services. 

I gave up a lot to be with him.  Some of it I did not even notice at the time, some of it I gave up consciously.  I didn't and don't regret it.  What I got in return was well worth anything I gave up.  I suspect he did and felt the same.  We didn't really talk about it.  I know I brought him joy and I know he worked harder than he probably would've liked.  But his last few years where the kind of years he had always wanted, he told me this.  He gentled me.  He SAW me and HEARD me and loved me because of and in spite of what he saw and heard.  He gave me a huge loving family to be a part of. That was all I ever wanted from life.  I would've happily lived the rest of my life there.  But now I am seeing doors opening again; new ones, old forgotten ones.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  Will I lose the family I gained with him?  I hope not.  Will anyone every see and hear me again?  I hope so. 

Sometimes the hardest thing is realizing that my life will move on without him in it.  He was a part of it and now he isn't.  Sometimes that feels impossible and sometimes it feels exciting.  And all of this I expect is exactly where I am supposed to be in the process.  I suspect that's what the therapist I have been working with would say.  And my response as always is a resigned, slightly cynical YAY!  So maybe what all of these thoughts are about is simply letting go, the spiral of life, little steps forward in the midst of big steps backward.  And me watching myself in this process.  Life for me is moving forward too and I feel relief, fear, joy, anticipation, sadness....everything.

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