I wake up in the morning and immediately know. It's back, this is going to be a hard one. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to when the pain shows up, it just does. I had to drag myself into reality this morning and force myself into the day. Then everything that could possibly go wrong at work did. Getting into the car to come home, I turned on the Ipod and "Our House" came on. I used to consider that one of "our songs."
"Our house is a very very very fine house, with two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard, now everything is easy cause of you..."
Only it's not anymore. Everything is harder. Who do I tell about what happened today? I had to load and unload two fifty pound bags of feed, take all the recycling, figure out the new damn health insurance, etc etc. Nothing really that big a deal, except well....he should be here.
I was crying so hard driving home I almost pulled over a couple of times. I found myself bargaining with God. "Just make it all the way it used to be. Bring him back. Please, I'll do anything." I hate feeling so alone; one of the things I loved most was having a partner, having each other's backs, sharing the responsibilities.
Was it worth the cost? yes, absolutely. As our minister said in church: "It is only Grace, Mercy and Love that count when we are counting the cost." And I would not trade the grace, love and mercy I received for anything. It doesn't change the fact that I wish he would come back and that today nothing seems as if it will ever be that good again.