Sunday, September 15, 2013

Flying on Blind Faith

There is an online widows group that will set you up with a penpal.  I figured what the heck and signed up.  One woman wrote that she just couldn't do it right now and she hoped that was okay.  Okay?  Of course it's gosh I don't know what I can and can't do from one moment to the next.  The other woman and I have been writing back and forth.  Today as I was answering here I thought, "I should just post this.  It's exactly how life is right now."  So I am.  She asked me what I thought about getting a dog and talked some about her grief group telling her that joy and pain could exist at the same time., again.


It's been a horrible week and I have been simply putting one foot in front of the other. It's about all I can manage right now. I wanted to respond though. I dont know what happened....well, it was David's birthday and then a week later the six month anniversary of his death...but I got through those just fine then a week later I could barely get out of bed and I cry all the way to work and home again, and for no apparent reason while I'm home, or in the grocery store, or whatever. I HATE this. The therapist and grief group folks say it's normal. yay. I'm so angry and sad and grouchy and tired.

I have to say that the dog and cats save me most days. The dog because, well, she's a dog and is just so present and loving. the cats too but in a different way. And some days it is only the cats, dog, and chickens that get get me up and going and keep me going. It makes a big difference for me. Even though sometimes I wish I could just lay there and not be responsible for them. I dont know what I would do if I didn't have them. I highly recommend it.

I"m not really feeling the joy and pain simultaneously thing right now. I was for a while, but this last week has just been so hard. just hard, hard, hard. And yeah, no one really gets it who hasn't been here. I feel like I should be better now or people think I should. They tell me how great I look and how great I seem to be doing and I want to kick them. :)

Today I got up and got dressed to go to church and then couldn't walk out the door. I took all the church clothes off,  put on shorts and took the dog for a walk. crying. I just couldn't face it.

sometimes I feel like such an idiot. I change my mind about things from one second to the next. and half the time I have no idea what I want. I found myself in the grocery store today...Have to buy cat food! again the animals save me.....just taking these huge deep breaths to keep from falling apart, and it was all I could do to push the buggy and breathe. So it goes. I have to trust that it will get easier and better again. but I'm flying on blind faith right now.

I'm so glad you are out there!


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