I remember talking about the new landscape of our lives when this first started and today I was struck by this new landscape of grief. It is littered with cliffs. It seems I turn and go over another one, get my bearings, then turn and go over another. I catch my breath and then another appears before me. It is good that no one tells you what it's going to be like. If we knew ahead of time I don't think we could bear it. Caught in the middle of this unfamiliar landscape all I can do is keep moving. But that is a good thing, moving forward. I know eventually things smooth out, the terrain gets easier to manage and I will be stronger for this current journey.
I have also noticed that grief has a physical home in my body. It causes actual physical pain. I've heard that before, but again, until you are there it's hard to really know what the words mean. Somtimes it takes my breath away.
I'm getting kind of tired of learning new things. I could use a spring break at least, maybe even a summer vacation. I won't hope to graduate, I don't think we get that option in this lifetime.
I have been given so many gifts, so much love to hold me up. Really, another truth: nothing else is real but that.
Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.
Arundhati Roy
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