I'm starting in the middle, but last night at the Carrie Newcomer concert she sang a song "right out of the notebook" and I was struck by one line in particular:  "the curious gift of limited time"  each word in that phrase has so much meaning and then put together in that particular way creates something rare and beautiful out of something filled with so much potential pain.  I spent the morning with my friends who went to the concert with me and spent the night.  They always, always help me see the curious gifts of my life.  We have so little time and we barely know it, and perhaps there is a gift in that as well.  But if we can glimpse that truth then the world fills with other gifts.  Everywhere, all the time, right in front of us and in our peripheral vision, sometimes only sensed by our souls.  One of the gifts I hope to take from my time with David and his death is that curious gift of limited time.  It opens to such bright and lovely miracles.  another Carrie phrase, the world is full of "miracles and magic" especially in the midst of the ordinary and painful. 

One of those miracles was a gift from my friends and Carrie herself.  One of my friends contacted her via facebook and told her my story and why her song, "A Gathering of Spirits" meant so much to me.  Last night at the concert, she sang it for me as her last song.  Miracles and magic.  Love all around.

Friday afternoon I was driving home, following Lower Flat Creek, the creek that runs along the edge of our property and into the French Broad River, when suddenly the Great Blue Heron flew up to window hight and kept pace with the car.  He flew alongside, both of us following the creek, until I turned to cross it and head up the drive.  At that point he arced higher and continued down to the river.  This heron has lived in and around our property ever since I have been here, and probably long before,  I often see him in the summer standing in the creek watching the deep places.  I have not seen him in months, probably since early last fall. 

I know a gift when I see one.

I looked up the Native American symbolism of the Great Blue Heron and he is the animal that brings communication between the Red Way (life here on earth) and the Blue Way (the life of spirit that comes after).  He speaks to balance, and peace and moving forward, standing on your own two feet.  A gift from David.

Yesterday was what I have been thinking of as "the real" memorial service.  Not because it is any less important or meaningful than the one in Pennsylvania was, but because it was here on the farm, our home. Because many of the people here are the people who knew us as "us".   It was a perfect, beautiful joyfilled, grief filled afternoon.  Grief has a funny landscape.  One moment you are laughing the next sobbing.  There are moments of immense gratitude and joy and then absolute despair and broken heartedness.  How will I live and breathe without this man in my life?  One of my friends quoted the movie "Pretty Woman" at the service.  At the end when he comes and rescues her and she says she rescuses him right back.  Bad quoting there, but you get the idea.  David and I rescued each other.  We gave each other joy, partnership, someone watching our backs.  Life with him was fun and filled with love.  every day. We were living "in the middle of something rare and fine."  I distract myself sometimes, talking about the things I will do now.  New things I will experience and learn, old things I will go back to; and it works for a while.  Then I despair, I would give it all up for more time with him.  I guess this is the landscape of grief, eventually you work your way through to joyful memories and new beginings.  But right now it's just hard to breathe, mostly. 

And, miracles abound even so.  I helped Michael with the cows tonight and as we were bringing out the hay we noticed that another baby had been born today.  A heifer, who oddly, has no tail.  We'd never seen that before.  She was wobbling around nuzzling her mama.  I will hold forever a vivid image of Peggy walking down the isle in the middle of the service yesterday with her three month old grandson alseep in her arms....New life always in the midst of the giving way of the old.  Carrie opened with a song last night with the line "leaves don't drop they just let go and make a space for things to grow.....  to die to live is life's refrain." I know in my deepest heart that loving David in the time we had was a grand and glorious gift and that I have been crafted into someone new and bigger and more wide open than I was.  And someday that miracle and magic will bring me nothing but great joy.  Right now, I put one foot in front of the other trusting that those words are true.