Showing Up

Showing Up

You
Are holy
And sacred ...
And utterly unique.
There are gifts you were born to give.
Songs you were born to sing
Stories you were born to tell.
And if you do not give it,
The world will simply lose it.
It is yours alone to offer,
No one can give it for you.

And dearest,
Listen,
Because this is important,
This wounded world
Needs all the songs we can pull from the air,
Every story that helps us remember.
It needs every single gift
Large and small.
And yes,
Dearest
This grateful world
Does rejoice
Every courageous time,
We are true to ourselves
And to our gifts.

And so it is
Dear heart
We embrace the song
And the story
And all our gifts
Because world has such great need
And because the world exceedingly rejoices
And because
There is no sadder thing
Then to leave this world
Having never really shown up.

This appeared on my facebook feed today and I sure needed it.  I've spent the last week or so in deep pain.  Not interested in writing, sharing, talking.  So very very tired of coping, or not coping.  The therapist who leads the grief  group tells me that sometimes it's the time leading up to a big anniversary that is more painful than the event itself.  David's birthday is Monday and then five days later is the six month anniversary of his death.  It feels big, huge.  Unfair. It could not possibly have been six months. I'm angry and so very sad.  And...what am I supposed to do now? I know also that I have been saying these very same things for six months now.  I feel like a broken record and I am certain that no one really needs to hear it again, I'm not sure I need to say it again.  I have no choice but to feel it over and over again, but I'm sick of it.  so, rant over. 

I am learning every day how important it is to simply show up.  To show up to whatever life asks of me, to hope that whatever gifts I have will shine.  I'm not sure what they are but I learned in David's life and dying that the best gifts are not flashy or big and bright.  They shine quietly, softly, seen with a sideways glance or a quiet hand on a shoulder.  David loved well and people felt loved by him.  It was his greatest gift to the world.  I am grateful to have been loved by him.  Listening to people talk about being loved by David was a gift to me as well. So much quiet joy.  I hope when I am gone I will have done as much.  I hope people will say "she loved well."  So I am practicing showing up.  That's hard work and I am tired tonight.  Sleep well dear ones.