Saturday, August 3, 2013

I have had an amazing week.  Many times I found myself simply feeling enthusiastic about being alive.  Each and every time I noticed, it took me by surprise.  I have been finding more and more of myself again.  While I miss David, I am grateful to be moving into who I am as me.  I am recognizing the parts of myself that I let go of, that I altered, when I was with David.  I know I've said this before, but it all just keeps spiraling around again and again.  Each time there is more clarity, less grief. 

I let him take care of me, which was such a joy and such a deep deep breath.  But I am remembering that I can take care of myself too.  Not in the same way, not with the same end goals but in my own way.  I finally took the "girl" weed eater out of the car, put it together, charged it up and actually used it.  I can't tell you how great it felt to cut down weeds.  My next challenge will be cutting wood with the chainsaw.  Later. 

I applied to be a foster dog person.  Something I always wanted to do but couldn't because David's response was always, "No more dogs!"  or "which three are you going to get rid of?"  We laughed, and he tried to keep me in check, and it was okay.  But now is different.  I feel like a teenager, trying to figure out who I am in the world.  Maybe that's a nice place to be, back at the beginning but with skills and knowledge that were beyond me back then.  We'll see. 

I am feeling more at peace with the work I do as well.  I find myself taking it in new directions, at least in my head, and that is good too.  We'll see what this year brings.  What I know is true is that I am good with kids, how that continues to manifest - I have no idea.  But it's interesting to me again, rather than an obstacle to be overcome. 

I like feeling like this and it terrifies me.  I know I will struggle again, be in great pain, probably even find myself back on my knees trying to breathe.  But I am starting to know that it passes and the spiral moves ever upward.  I will not stay there, I will move forward into the unknown.  And I am beginning to believe that it will be good. To paraphrase a saint whose name I cannot remember:  All is well and all manner of things will be well. 

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