Monday, November 4, 2013

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothin' Left to Lose

I went to the beach last week and part way through realized that I felt normal.  I don't even know how to describe it.  There is this heavy weight that is a constant around my shoulders and in my heart and gut.  I've gotten so used to it that I barely notice it.  But it was gone at the beach and I felt something close to happy.  I'm not sure why except that David was not a beach person and the beach has always been my home.  I was home and there were no real memories of shared beautiful times there.  I felt the weight settle again as I came up the mountain and I wanted to scream. 

And now I sit, work, get on with things here and wonder why.  There really seems to be no point to any of it.  I simply want to run, or stop.  What difference would it make anyway? 

We did this exercise in grief group last week.  They asked us to list what we were ready to change, what we wanted to change but weren't ready for, what we did not want to change.  I hit a brick wall...then when it was almost time to stop I realized that I wanted it all to change.  I wanted some different life, not this one.  I wanted to feel joy again, simple clean happiness, to be loved and to love someone, to just not be here.  But then again, how could I want all this to change?  All that this represents?  I'm lost and I just have to accept that I'm lost...for now.  And I have to believe that someday I won't be.  Otherwise, why bother? 

I get fed up...I'm working so hard and yet this doesn't seem to get easier.  I've never encountered a problem that I couldn't work my way out of. 

We had the annual barn dance this weekend.  I dreaded it.  It was a tradition that started after David and I became a part of this farm family.  It was something I had never done as me, always we.  It was hard.  I was grateful for changes; a bonfire this year and new people that I did not know.  I spent most of the time hiding and came home and cried myself to sleep. 

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.  I used to believe in freedom like that, it was a driving force in my life.  Then I met David and loved him.  I'm not sure what that means.  I lost that freedom, I had something to lose and I lost it.  Now, what?  That old paradigm doesn't work anymore, but it's tempting, so very tempting.  Chuck it all and disappear.  How do you build a new paradigm?  I have to trust that it happens, one day at a time...sometimes one moment at a time. And at some point I will look back on this time and find meaning in it.  Right now?  I bounce between a million different desires and mostly try to stay in one place. 

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