Yesterday was the day we left for Thailand last year and it is the beginning of the end. David was having what he thought was indigestion and figured he'd check with the doctor when he got back. His yearly physical was scheduled for the middle of November. And so began the ending. It's hard to imagine that only four months later David would be dead. I'm so grateful that we took that trip, it is such a beautiful memory for me to hold on to. Bittersweet, as so many things are, but a gift non-the-less.
I find myself struggling now almost as much as right after his death, maybe more so since the shock has worn off. I get up and try to get ready to go to church on Sundays, sometimes I even manage to get dressed, and then I can't go. I love our church and the people in it, but that's just it. It was "our" church and it's so hard to be there alone. Everything is hard right now.
I feel so alone and yet barely have the energy to get through work, never mind reach out and socialize with anyone. It takes all my energy to do the tasks that need doing. To clean up the garden, carry in wood, eat, plan lessons, care for the animals. I'm still lost and confused and simply muddling through one day at a time. There ought to be a twelve step group for grief.