I've been thinking a lot about bucket lists. I asked friends for their thoughts on going back to school. I always wanted to get a PhD. Most folks said to go for it. A couple of folks said think hard about it. And one friend said, "if it's not on your bucket list don't do it" or something like that. I haven't been able to let go of that thought.
I simply can't remember ever really wanting much. I always wanted to have a child and I wanted to belong somewhere, with someone. That's it. All I ever really wanted.
I don't know why I've never been able to dream about a future. I suspect it's because my father took whatever I cared about away from me. Sometimes if he knew I cared about something it would "disappear" or be given to my sister. I learned young and well not to want anything. But I never got over the wanting to belong.
With David, I belonged. I belonged to him, he belonged to me, and we belonged to each other. I got sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, grandchildren....It was such an amazing gift to be a part of that big loving family. His death has changed things there, it's not as seamless as it was and there are some ragged edges that David's presence smoothed over. I hope I still belong there, I have to believe it's true because right now it's still a small part of what I always wanted and finally got to have.
What else could I want? I want him back. I don't think that's a bucket list wish that I get to have come true. I always wanted to live on a sailboat. I fantasize about that a lot these days. Especially when the house and land overwhelm me, which is often. It bothers me that I don't have anything else to put on that list. I remember after the movie Bucket List came out we talked about it and realized that we were happy, we had everything we wanted, didn't need anything else. It's so unfair.
For some reason this last month has been as hard as the beginning was. I force myself out of bed and to work, then I work myself to exhaustion or watch mindless tv so I don't think or feel too much. When I do I can't stop crying, I walk around feeling like I've been kicked in the chest again. It's hard to breathe. Maybe my bucket list has this one thing on it: I want to feel joy again, to belong, to be loved and to love. I'm afraid to even write that down. Who gets that twice in one lifetime?