The Begining of the End

Yesterday was the day we left for Thailand last year and it is the beginning of the end.  David was having what he thought was indigestion and figured he'd check with the doctor when he got back.  His yearly physical was scheduled for the middle of November.  And so began the ending.  It's hard to imagine that only four months later David would be dead.  I'm so grateful that we took that trip, it is such a beautiful memory for me to hold on to.  Bittersweet, as so many things are, but a gift non-the-less. 

I find myself struggling now almost as much as right after his death, maybe more so since the shock has worn off.  I get up and try to get ready to go to church on Sundays, sometimes I even manage to get dressed, and then I can't go.  I love our church and the people in it, but that's just it.  It was "our" church and it's so hard to be there alone.  Everything is hard right now. 

I feel so alone and yet barely have the energy to get through work, never mind reach out and socialize with anyone.  It takes all my energy to do the tasks that need doing. To clean up the garden, carry in wood, eat, plan lessons, care for the animals.  I'm still lost and confused and simply muddling through one day at a time.  There ought to be a twelve step group for grief. 

The Bucket List

I've been thinking a lot about bucket lists.  I asked friends for their thoughts on going back to school.  I always wanted to get a PhD.  Most folks said to go for it.  A couple of folks said think hard about it.  And one friend said, "if it's not on your bucket list don't do it"  or something like that.  I haven't been able to let go of that thought. 

I simply can't remember ever really wanting much.  I always wanted to have a child and I wanted to belong somewhere, with someone.  That's it.  All I ever really wanted. 

I don't know why I've never been able to dream about a future.  I suspect it's because my father took whatever I cared about away from me.  Sometimes if he knew I cared about something it would "disappear" or be given to my sister.  I learned young and well not to want anything.  But I never got over the wanting to belong. 

With David, I belonged.  I belonged to him, he belonged to me, and we belonged to each other.  I got sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, grandchildren....It was such an amazing gift to be a part of that big loving family.  His death has changed things there, it's not as seamless as it was and there are some ragged edges that David's presence smoothed over.  I hope I still belong there, I have to believe it's true because right now it's still a small part of what I always wanted and finally got to have. 

What else could I want?  I want him back.  I don't think that's a bucket list wish that I get to have come true.  I always wanted to live on a sailboat.  I fantasize about that a lot these days.  Especially when the house and land overwhelm me, which is often.  It bothers me that I don't have anything else to put on that list.  I remember after the movie Bucket List came out we talked about it and realized that we were happy, we had everything we wanted, didn't need anything else.  It's so unfair. 

For some reason this last month has been as hard as the beginning was.  I force myself out of bed and to work, then I work myself to exhaustion or watch mindless tv so I don't think or feel too much.  When I do I can't stop crying, I walk around feeling like I've been kicked in the chest again.  It's hard to breathe.  Maybe my bucket list has this one thing on it:  I want to feel joy again, to belong, to be loved and to love.  I'm afraid to even write that down.  Who gets that twice in one lifetime? 

I realized recently that it's been a long time since I posted anything.  I just haven't felt that I had much to offer to the conversations of the world.  My journey feels as if it is becoming more and more personal and I am less inclined to put it out there for others to see.  There is also the feeling of an endless spiral of emotions and I simply don't feel it's useful to keep repeating it over and over in public.  There are old, ancient even, hurts that have nothing to do with this new grief and yet everything to do with it.  Hurts I'm not sure I'm ready to share.  Maybe it's simply winter and time to dive deep within instead of outward.  In any case, I find myself being more silent in my grief journey as it turns again and again on it's axis.  If I'm tired of the pain, certainly ya'll must be as well.  I am not gone, simply stepping cautiously right now.  I love that you are out there, listening.  Dont' give up on me.

Cloud Hidden

 

Cloud-Hidden

This chapter is closed now,
not one word more
until we meet some day
and the voices rising
to the window
take wing and fly.

Open the old casement
to the lands we have forgotten,
look to the mountains and ridgeways
and the steep valleys, quilted by green,
here, as the last words fall away,
the great and silent rivers of life
are flowing into the oceans,
and on a day like any other
they will carry you again,
abandoned,
on the currents you have fought,
to the place where you did not know
you belonged.

And just as you came into life
surprised
you go out again,
lifted,
cloud-hidden
from one unknown
to another
and fall and turn
and appear again in the mountains

not remembering
how in the beginning
you refused
to join,
could not speak of,
did not even know
you were that
deep
calm
welling
almost forgotten
spring
of eternal presence.

~ David Whyte ~
(Where Many Rivers Meet)

 

 

Grief and AA

And then today I woke up feeling pretty okay.  Not exactly cheerful, but not miserable.  I did laundry, picked basil and made pesto, put together a Thai Curry, made brownies, and found myself dancing around the kitchen to the Reggae song that came up on the Ipod.  Took Lulu for a long walk, cleaned the house.

Why, oh why, can't I just make this happen?  Why isn't there something, just one thing, I can do to change the bad times into okay times?  It's so frustrating.  Just having to put one foot in front of the other and get through. 

Maybe it's giving up trying to control it.  Maybe it's admitting that I have no control.  Maybe it's just the passage of time.  I'm starting to sound like an AA meeting.  Not so very different really.  All of us just trying to find a way to deal with our pain. 

Maybe it's that a friend is meeting me to get the materials to build the goat house.  Maybe it's that I didn't have to get up early and squeeze everything in before I went to work.

Maybe....but probably more likely the AA comparison. 

Flying on Blind Faith

There is an online widows group that will set you up with a penpal.  I figured what the heck and signed up.  One woman wrote that she just couldn't do it right now and she hoped that was okay.  Okay?  Of course it's okay...my gosh I don't know what I can and can't do from one moment to the next.  The other woman and I have been writing back and forth.  Today as I was answering here I thought, "I should just post this.  It's exactly how life is right now."  So I am.  She asked me what I thought about getting a dog and talked some about her grief group telling her that joy and pain could exist at the same time.  So.....life, again.

Dear________,

It's been a horrible week and I have been simply putting one foot in front of the other. It's about all I can manage right now. I wanted to respond though. I dont know what happened....well, it was David's birthday and then a week later the six month anniversary of his death...but I got through those just fine then a week later I could barely get out of bed and I cry all the way to work and home again, and for no apparent reason while I'm home, or in the grocery store, or whatever. I HATE this. The therapist and grief group folks say it's normal. yay. I'm so angry and sad and grouchy and tired.

I have to say that the dog and cats save me most days. The dog because, well, she's a dog and is just so present and loving. the cats too but in a different way. And some days it is only the cats, dog, and chickens that get get me up and going and keep me going. It makes a big difference for me. Even though sometimes I wish I could just lay there and not be responsible for them. I dont know what I would do if I didn't have them. I highly recommend it.

I"m not really feeling the joy and pain simultaneously thing right now. I was for a while, but this last week has just been so hard. just hard, hard, hard. And yeah, no one really gets it who hasn't been here. I feel like I should be better now or people think I should. They tell me how great I look and how great I seem to be doing and I want to kick them. :)

Today I got up and got dressed to go to church and then couldn't walk out the door. I took all the church clothes off,  put on shorts and took the dog for a walk. crying. I just couldn't face it.

sometimes I feel like such an idiot. I change my mind about things from one second to the next. and half the time I have no idea what I want. I found myself in the grocery store today...Have to buy cat food! again the animals save me.....just taking these huge deep breaths to keep from falling apart, and it was all I could do to push the buggy and breathe. So it goes. I have to trust that it will get easier and better again. but I'm flying on blind faith right now.

I'm so glad you are out there!

dianne

Grace Love and Mercy

I wake up in the morning and immediately know.  It's back, this is going to be a hard one.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason to when the pain shows up, it just does.  I had to drag myself into reality this morning and force myself into the day.  Then everything that could possibly go wrong at work did.  Getting into the car to come home, I turned on the Ipod and "Our House" came on.  I used to consider that one of "our songs." 

"Our house is a very very very fine house, with two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard, now everything is easy cause of you..." 

Only it's not anymore.  Everything is harder.  Who do I tell about what happened today?  I had to load and unload two fifty pound bags of feed, take all the recycling, figure out the new damn health insurance, etc etc.  Nothing really that big a deal, except well....he should be here.

I was crying so hard driving home I almost pulled over a couple of times.  I found myself bargaining with God.  "Just make it all the way it used to be.  Bring him back.  Please, I'll do anything."  I hate feeling so alone; one of the things I loved most was having a partner, having each other's backs, sharing the responsibilities. 

Deep breath.

Was it worth the cost?  yes, absolutely.  As our minister said in church: "It is only Grace, Mercy and Love that count when we are counting the cost."  And I would not trade the grace, love and mercy I received for anything.  It doesn't change the fact that I wish he would come back and that today nothing seems as if it will ever be that good again.